“There are times when you just have to let it all out. All the anger, all the pain.”
Will Grayson, Will Grayson. JG.
Hope, love, change. These are very significant terms, they have power. You can’t deny the acute shortness of breath that you feel when you say out those words aloud. These are things that we fear (we refer to them as “things” and not just “words,” like they are real. And real things can kill us.) Why? Because of the precedented loss. Pain. It is the only word that is so hard to express. Language at once runs dry when you try to express pain, be it physical or psychic. You can easily tell what it was like, but it is impossible to tell what is was. (TATWD, my friends, yes.) We seek to use metaphor to try to describe it. The “it” being so vast but also nothing at all, being some unnameable object? feeling? …some unnameable, inexplicable something that terrorizes all of us. Its like ten fat men wearing stilettos standing on my head, like someone choking my throat, its like a knife piercing my heart, again and again. These metaphors, our language; it does so little to communicate, the ache, the longing, the strength of the people bearing this, the emotional tug of war, the exhaustion in your limbs, the physical and psychic pain. Nothing connotes the surge of hurricanes inside of you, but this too is a metaphor; the riot of emotions inside of yourself, like two kingdoms fighting for dominance, but that is too. The abundant language, that allows for everything, does not give us freedom enough to convey how we feel and perceive what we feel. The thing is, crossing all these boundaries, setting aside your insecurities, when you let others know how you truly feel within, they judge you. Crazy, dramaqueen, mess, attention-seeker, mental.
You’re seeking for encouragements, aren’t you? But we both know it. Nothing I could possibly say would make it hurt less, or show how dauntless you are that you still go on. But I can tell and mean this: I hope you find help if you are suffering, I hope you find the right people, I hope you are cared for and loved, I hope you are understood.
Mystery, is all. 