And I think and think and think.

“And then a Plank in Reason, broke,

And I dropped down, and down – “

“I Felt a Funeral, in my Brain,” Emily Dickinson.

5:00 am. I’m tossing my pillow, turning around in my bed. Could see the Sun, tearing apart the clouds, burning a shade of crimson that I cannot quite describe. Beautiful. I haven’t slept yet. Couldn’t sleep. This incessant, nagging, haranguing bubble of thought that claws its way out, piercing and puncturing and ripping and forcing me to be shredding parts of myself; claws its way out as I choke; until its the only thing I can see in the mirror. “I suck.”

And then I tell myself, “shut up and get some sleep.”

Maybe I do get some sleep. Maybe I dream. Its one thing to lose a friend. Its one thing to lose all your friends. But it won’t prepare you to lose your family. The incapability that you feel. I do not want to be honest, but I am going to be anyway. This blog is my escape.

Its 1:00 pm. I’m hearing noises below. Shouting, yelling, swearing. Something breaks. In the living and in myself. I’m scared. I walk down from my room. They were fighting and he slams the door and leaves. She looks at me. Its one thing when strangers tell you things that make you feel like shit. Its one thing when your friends whom you trusted make you feel like shit. But it won’t prepare you to have your mother make you feel that way. That same incessant, nagging haranguing thought that I tried so hard to escape. “I’m worthless.”

But I tell myself, “shut up and get some food.”

Do you know what it feels like to live with hate? So much that it doesn’t seem like something you’re living with but rather something you’re living in. Its one thing to have random dudes hate you. Its one thing to have your friends and family hate you. But none of this will prepare you for when you hate yourself.

Its 6:30 pm. I argue with myself, I list out all the possible reasons of why I deserved whatever was happening to me. Makes no sense, makes no sense, makes no sense. You’re crying but you’ve been taught at home to never cry so you press the sleeves of your shirt or blouse or whatever you call this into your damn eyeballs and dry them out and act like nothing ever happened, but if you could picture an universe inside of yourself, its collapsed already and you’ve gone way too far and way too many years with this pain that won’t ever dilute and feels like a fresh wound that has been sanitized everytime, the sting, the burn, the rage, help help, shut up shut up, quietttttt. I suck.

Its 9:30 pm. I am pissed at myself for having done nothing productive today or anyday. I suck. I tell myself that its okay, its okay. But God, I really don’t agree. I think I’m going too hard on myself. I think I should give myself some time. I think that if I was hard on myself I wouldn’t be such a failure. I think I shouldn’t think all this. I think and I think and I think. I tell myself again that its going to be okay. I wish I could believe myself. But you see that same nagging, incessant, haranguing thought that always failed to leave, dominating all my senses, repeats: I’m worthless.

Its 2:00 am. Something happened in between but goddamn, I can’t seem to be able to write it down. I cry.

Its 5:00 am. I’m tossing my pillow, turning around in my bed. Its a fuckin’ cycle, a spiral that shrinks as you follow it in. Could see the Sun, tearing apart the clouds, burning a shade of crimson that I cannot quite describe. Beautiful. I haven’t slept yet. Couldn’t sle– pause, wait, I breathe. And you know how Marjane Satrapi talks in Persepolis that if a wheel stops, the whole cycle collapses? I followed the spiral outward.

Its been quite a while now that I learnt this: nothing was wrong with me. It doesn’t make sense because I didn’t deserve this. I won’t shut up. I wouldn’t say I realized it out of the blue. Life first shows you hell, you feel like shit. Then it shows you more hell, you feel shittier. And at one point, you notice that you’re only seeing hell and turn away, look around. Thats the moment you need. Your break-through. You’ll be a-okay. You’ll love you and you’ll realize that is all you need for now.

🙂 eh.

.

I’m right here. Y’all could talk to me whenever. Just drop an email. Or a comment. I could do with some talking, too.