(and shit talks on a surface level without getting into details cuz I believe it is way too painful asjda to talk about it. It hasn’t become real yet, but talking about it seems like its real so we’re gonna pretend and not talk about it to avoid hurt feelings)
“Its a paper town. With paper houses. And paper people. Everything is uglier up close.”
JG, Paper Towns
“The town was paper, but the memories were not.”
JG, Paper Towns
There is a very thin fine line between living your life and destroying your life. Its funny cuz one builds you and the other is basically a scheme of self-destruction. The manual comes with the same set of instructions – work hard, party harder, meet a lot of people, get drunk and high and make out with whoever and how many ever people you like or don’t, one life give it a good shot. Its crazy how the same set of instructions either keep you mentally sane or fucking destroy you.
I tink, (yes future Aafrin, you have taken to calling it as tink now) yeah anyway, blslapska *clears head* I tink I have not ate much in a while. I have not really ate much in the past couple of weeks ig. And I felt very bad. For starving myself. But I just couldn’t get myself to eat. And just when I thought it couldn’t get any worse, oh hell yes it did xD
I have now taken to starving myself and drinking way too much. In the past four days, I have had three scoops of ice cream, one cavin’s milkshake, one oreo milkshake, one cup of coffee and some dragon chicken. Oh and a little more than a quarter Bacardi Limon raw, five blue mounts, some rc whiskey, a little bit of beer, and a couple of shots. Yes.
Safe to say my body is currently running on vodka.
Its fucking me up a little bit. Not being able to eat. I was very sick this morning, given the excess physical activity, lack of food and a lot of drinking, obviously. I had a couple of shots and I felt so much more better. It sucks. (no no obviously it isn’t even close to addiction you bitch its only been like four days)
I wish I could eat.
I have been working crazy, but thats the usual so. But I realized that I have connected my self-worth directly to how much I work. That fucking sucks. I don’t wanna pass this down to anyone else, what my mother has made me feel.
I have made out with three different people this week and had sex with one of them. Until a couple of months ago, I had only made out with two people in total. I made out with three people this week. Wow jeez. I need to calm down a little bit. I have been bunking college crazy, not eating, too much work, too much booze, light ah gaaju. Mudila da dei, Allahch bachana.
Where did it all go wrong?
Has it gone wrong or do I just feel shitty light ah for no reason? I can’t even settle on how I feel. I really be pullin the “one minute I feel shit, next minute I’m the shit” big time.
I don’t exactly regret making out, I wish I didn’t drink this much but I really don’t tbh idc, I just hope maybe that I eat food, but then again I don’t wanna wish for such big stuff, its very scary. Eating is very scary, not eating is very scary, food is scary, I am scared. Take the food away cuz I can’t eat it, but then watch me not eat and guilt trip. Repeat’uh.
Something isn’t right and I was feeling very shitty before writing but not so much anymore actually, as long as I keep writing ig. My thoughts are scattered and so I’ll end it here. I’m gonna make this blog priv again, undo the publicity ig idk. I just want this to be me ranting wit i’m tired and i’m tired of typinh and my mind is bllanks
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is it just me? am i lowkey not satisfied or happy w the blog? why tis chest tightening feeling won’t go away?
Mystery, is all. 